I'm struggling this morning. I'm trying so desperately hard to focus on work I'm behind on and in serious crunch time with. My mind keeps wandering. Today I can't help wonder if I'm doing enough for Nathan. Am I providing him with the life he deserves in the likely short life he will lead? That is the question running through my head, eroding my peace of mind and leaving me feeling more selfish than anything. You see, I don't think I'm worried about Nathan as much as I am for myself on this one. What difference does Nathan know? No, what I really scared of is that when he is gone that I won't be able to be satisfied that I did enough or provided enough for him.

I haven't posted much here lately. Probably because I've been spending a lot of time feeling sad, selfish, angry, lost...exactly all of the things I initially created this blog to vent about.


Anonymous said...

I am embarassed to even give any input as I have no clue what you're going through and how difficult it must be. I did however follow another patient named Abigail who was from Florida and had neuroblastoma. She passed away a few months ago and her mother keeps up her caring bridge page. The one thing she keeps writing is how she wished she'd have allowed her daughter to go do things that the doctor told her she couldn't. I don't know how realistic that is, but she mentioned things about going swimming and on vacations. As I said, I am embarassed to even comment on this, and I still hope and pray that you'll never be in the position that Abigail's parents are in.


Josh Gentry said...

I have just an inkling of how this must feel, enough to know I can't imagine what it is like for you. To a MUCH lesser degree, those around you experience this. Have we, as your friends and family, done enough for Nathan and your family. I think I expressed to you before that, in my case, at least, it is as much about making me feel OK as anything. I don't know how we make peace with ourselves.

Jlil O said...

I am with 'anonymous' above in terms of my cluelessness. But I can't imagine Nathan getting more out of his life thus far, than what you and Susan have offered him. In that regard, their is no question. You have to trust and believe in yourself Lucas. You are a phenomenal father. Peace of mind will come with time, I hope. But when all is said and done, your love for your son will lay the path for the peace you need. I have to believe that for you.