How Does it Feel?

What seems like ages ago (December 2003) for this first time since his diagnosis Nathan had "clean" scans. I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders that day and cried tears of relief as I pushed Nathan to our temporary apartment in NY on the way home from the hospital. Since then we've had several sets of scans. Most of them were clean. In June they showed relapse. This past December they were "clean" again. I occasionally read another cancer dad's journal. He writes a journal about his daughter and her treatment. It isn't much like this one has started. It is more like what Susan does at Nathan's CaringBridge site. He described in one post about the great joy and happiness he and his wife feel every time they get good scan results. It isn't like that for me. Sometimes I wish it were. We heard today that Nathan's latest scan results (at least the prelims anyway, things could change) are "clear". There is relief, yes, but it isn't the great weight lifting.

I think it is like taking two steps backward and one step forward. There is no way the good feelings balance the amount of stress and apprehension that goes into it all, and that is a real shame.

I sure wish I felt like celebrating.

No comments: