With Nathan under hospice care now, it has been hard for me to not think about the last 4+ years. My feelings are conflicted. It has been hard, for sure, and sometimes (okay, often) I focus on the negative. I have to fight that though. The last four years can't have been hell. I can't let myself view over half of the time we have been blessed with Nathan as a living hell.
As the physical and emotional exhaustion take hold now, the challenge becomes to not cheat ourselves of the time we have. Some of it will be hellish. There is physical pain. There are the early stages of grieving. There is crazy fear that encompasses all kinds of things. We have to try to turn it on and off as quickly as the changes come because we are rapidly approaching the cap on the smiles, hugs, and good times as a family of five. One of my many prayers is that we can, if not enjoy, take some comfort in those good moments we have left.