Yesterday I felt beaten and tired and sick and sad, but mostly just beaten. It wasn't a surprise that Nathan's disease had progressed. We knew it was likely. We expected it. Susan saw it on the scan. Hearing and reading the report though was a real punch. Susan made a very honest post to CB. She laid it out there. The responses in the guestbook are beautiful and caring. Susan wondered if she had been too "harsh". I re-read it and couldn't see how. The goal isn't to protect those reading, it is to share with family and friends where Nathan and we are. Nathan got worse. He feels better, but he got worse, and he won't get better. We will try to prolong, if we can, the period of time that he feels well and of course the period of time that he is with us. And right now we really don't know how long those periods might be and haven't asked (although I've got some rough estimates in my head and I'm sure Susan does too). So thats the summary, and it just is as harsh as it is. As Julia might say, "It bes what it bes".
So, yeah, emotionally yesterday sucked. We watched a movie last night. It was good to escape. The movie was appropriate for my state of mind. It was Little Miss Sunshine and it explored very serious themes with a lot of humor. It was nice to laugh, but not be immersed in something silly and trivial. Those things are fine and good, but wouldn't have seemed quite right last night. I wasn't sure I would go to sleep. I tried not to slip back into my head after the movie, but that was hard. I felt ill as I sat in bed watching Letterman, but managed to tired and ready for sleep pretty early. I woke up not feeling like I had slept though. I suppose my mind didn't.
There were some good times yesterday too. When Nathan and Julia were littler, probably before his illness, we often had something we called "Daddy jungle gym" time. When I would come upstairs from work we would roughhouse on the floor of the living room or family room. Last night after dinner I roughhoused with the kids for awhile. Nathan wanted me to sit on the floor so he could "run around me". The girls got in on the act. We laughed and had fun.
We are going to have a fun weekend. We will be spending it with Susan's brother and family a few hours north of here in Greeley. The kids will get to play with their cousin and we will have nice adult company. It should be fun for all and I'm looking forward to it.