I was recently talking to an acquaintance that knows Nathan's story. He was talking about his children and, as I always do when discussing my children, he mentioned a son that he had lost 20 years or so ago to a traffic accident. He said, "I know you know what that is like. It doesn't get any easier. You just learn to live with it and keep on going."
The next day we were talking to close friends and something about how hard this time of year is for us came up in conversation and someone expressed that they hoped that it would get easier with time.
The two different perspectives struck me having heard them on back to back days.
I've never heard anyone really express this well in words. I know that I can't. It hurts as much today as it did 2 years ago, and yet here we are doing our best to keep living on. And if it never gets easier, how does anyone manage? And yet I was sitting outside in the beautiful Colorado sun listening to a father tell me quite casually that after 20+ years that it never got easier and there he was still carrying on.
I fear a day when this might get easier. If it gets easier, what would that say about my love for Nathan and the strength of my memories of his time here with us? I don't hope that it gets easier. I hope that I can find the strength to enjoy the many blessings (included in those blessings are my memories of Nathan) and experiences of my life while still feeling the pains of the profound losses.